Stacy Hurley

Stacy Hurley

Remember – Send me your stories and questions. All are confidential. You can email Ask Stacy at askstacyssw@gmail.com. You can also see follow up information and resources for each topic on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/askstacyssw.

Afraid to be Alone: Dear Stacy, I moved in with a woman I met and started dating. It has been 7 months, and I now realize I am not really attracted to her. She is very intimate and sexual, and she gets frustrated with me when I am not in the mood or “reject” her.

I am not sure what to do because I know one reason I moved in with her was to avoid being single and alone. I know this is not right, and now I do not have the money to move out on my own. I do love her and enjoy her company, but I think just as friends. What should I do?

Stacy: Dear Afraid to be Alone, you are correct, this is not right, and you need to talk to your partner about how you are feeling immediately. Intimacy and sexual relationships are hard enough, but when a partner feels rejected and they do not understand why, that is detrimental to them and will carry over into other areas of your relationship. The sooner you acknowledge your feelings, the sooner you both can move forward, and it may even salvage your friendship.

“There's still a common assumption that all men always want sex all the time any time it's available to them—and that's simply not true. There are many reasons a guy might not want to have sex with someone, ranging from a lack of interest in that person to a lack of interest in sex in general.” (Kelly Gonsalves, 2021).

The fear of being alone should never be the reason to proceed with a relationship - especially not move in with that person - until you are fully sure that you are serious about a long-term commitment. One thing to think about is maybe you jumped into this relationship too soon. Some people like to know each other more before they become intimate. You said that you love her and have fun with her, so maybe you both need to talk it through and see if there is something else going on. Just because you have a lack of interest in sex, does not necessarily mean you don’t want to “date” her.

My suggestion is to really think hard about what drew you to her in the first place and maybe do a pros/cons list of friendship vs. romantic relationship. You may have wanted to avoid being single and alone, but I don’t think you would just move in with anyone. So, re-evaluating why you “love” her could be helpful in determining your future plans.

Lastly, whether you decide to stay or go back to being single, the most important thing you can do for yourself is look inside and find consummation in yourself.

Here are some resources on the topic that you may find helpful:

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